The first 12 weeks

Not a subject a lot of people talk about. But so many people go through it. I didn't realise how many until it happened to me. So I thought I'd put it down in words on here, for other women, who like me, found out they were loosing their baby and for the next few days lived on google in an attempt to find some sort of solace or answer to the questioning.

When we found out we were pregnant I was overjoyed. At 5 weeks I was having some pain in the right hand side of my groin. I was sent for an internal scan (it doesn't hurt, just a little uncomfortable) and heard the reassuring words that it was exactly what they expected to see at 5 weeks. It was great to hear someone tell me I was pregnant! You are the one initially telling everyone that you are pregnant, the doctor, family, husband. So for a professional to tell you, its reassuring that you're not making it up and fooling everyone!

I walked out of the hospital holding hands with my husband. We were so happy. I remember feeling like I was on cloud 9. Like all my dreams were coming true. Funny how you don't realise how much you want to be a mum until it's upon you. The pain was put down to where the egg was released, although it continues now to this day.

The next few weeks we started to tell people, close family. My husband literally bought a library full of books on pregnancy. I swapped my beloved savingnon blanc for smoothies and pulled out every baggy top from the back of the wardrobe I could find. Usually a size 10, I felt I was putting on weight really fast and that everyone would notice! 

My brother announced they were having a baby too! Just 1 week behind us. Me and his partner would text nearly everyday, updating each other on how we were feeling. I felt very lucky that I seemed to be having a smooth ride with the symptoms. While she was in hospital with her sickness, I had a few weeks of feeling sick but no actual sickness. And that seemed to stop at around 8 weeks. Which I was to find out later was probably when the baby died. 

We were so excited about our 12 week scan. We'd told a few friends the day before, we just couldn't keep it in any longer and felt that since we'd got this far and nothing had seemed to happen (no bleeding or other pains, apart from the mystery one on the right hand side-which by the way, they were now putting down to ligament stretching). 

As they put the gel on my now very blobby stomach I felt mixed emotions. A little fear for the worst but also a lot of excitement that we'd finally get the picture we'd been waiting for and I could go and tell the whole world I was having a baby!

I could see there was a big black hole. He kept looking about for a bit and then started measuring the big black hole. I knew enough to know that there should have been a beautiful head-heavy baby in that hole. I said 'It's not there is it'. And they confirmed what you fear the most as a pregnant woman.