Limbo day

I found out on Tuesday. Wednesday was my limbo day. A day of shock, tears and a day of realising that I was carrying my dead baby.

All this time I thought I was pregnant, and I guess I was, its just the baby wasn't growing. My body still felt so pregnant. I'd developed a little pot belly already, I was absolutely shattered by 4pm, my boobs were massive and still sore. I felt like this was one of the cruelest things about the miscarriage. That your body had been totally tricked. If I took a test it'd still show pregnant, I had all the pregnancy hormones in me. I also felt really sorry for the baby. I think because I felt I'd let it die on my watch and not realised. What kind of a mother would let their child die and not realise. I felt so sorry for it that it didn't make it. I kept holding my tummy and saying "I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry I couldn't do anything".

The next day I knew I was having the baby out and part of me wanted that (wanted is the wrong word) and the other part didn't. I wanted to stay with it. It felt like then it would over. And I didn't want it over.

That night before I went to bed I started bleeding. It was a lot. It soaked through a sanitary towel in about 30 mins and there were bright red blood clots sat on the top of the towel, about the size of two 50p's. I felt strangely calm about it. I guess I was passing the baby naturally. It felt like nature/God's (whatever you want to call it) way of confirming that this was the end. It's a weird thing for someone else to say that your baby is dead and they are going to remove it. You take their word for it. So it somehow felt comforting for my body to agree. I was also glad that it hadn't happened 2 days before because it would have scared me. So I took this as a strange positive.