The Reactions

You know that feeling when your chest hurts and there's a surge that overwhelms you to cry? That must be why they use the term 'heartbroken'. I've never felt it like this before. Absolutely totally heartbroken. They were no other feelings apart from sadness. I didn't feel angry. I didn't feel confused even, not at first. I just was so sad. Even though the word 'sad' doesn't really seem to cut it. You can be sad about your football team loosing. This was sad on a new scale.

I don't know how single women get through a miscarriage. My husband was my lifeline. He was so incredible, so loving. I know he found it hard to watch me cry again and again. He was sad too but felt he had to be strong for me. The past 3 months I'd fallen in love with him again. Watching him get a new lease of life for work, doing all the jobs around the house that had needed doing for so long! Being pregnant had obviously caused one kick up the bum for my husband, he was doing the man thing and trying to provide and get things prepared. I could see him getting more excited as we approached the 3 month mark. It was lovely to see. He will truly make a great Dad someday. But for now, he has his work cut out being a great husband. And boy is he that. My love and respect for him has grown even more.

Other people's reactions varied. At times like this people don't know what to say. Some people say the wrong thing but I know they don't mean to. I got sick of hearing people say 'at least you know you can get pregnant'. This statement is of no use to me. Neither is 'you're still young, you can try again'. Although well meaning, I have lost my baby. I may know I can get pregnant but I don't know I can keep pregnant. Also, yes, I can try again. But I didn't want to try again. I wanted that baby.

Thankfully in my sadness there wasn't much room for anger so I just answered this with a polite 'yes thats true'.

We felt like fools having to go to everyone who we'd told we were pregnant and then tell them it was a false alarm, there will be no baby. For some reason it felt embarrassing. I know we'd done nothing wrong but you do start thinking, 'what if I hadn't worked so hard', 'what if that time we had sex did some damage', 'what if going to the gym caused it'. I thought all these things but I know that some babies just won't make it. It doesn't matter what you do.

My husband said the doctor had said to him its like forming a sentence but with a spelling mistake.

I believe in God. I believe there is a higher power. I believe there is a heaven. I believe there is some order to this messed up world even when we can't see it. This doesn't make me doubt that. But it doesn't make it any easier I don't think. Non believing friends would say to me, great you have your faith. Believer friends would be worried I was angry at God. Truth is having faith in a God doesn't make understanding this easier. Or it didn't for me. I have no idea why this happened. You can put it down to 'survival of the fittest', some babies don't form right so they don't make it. I get that. But I believe in a God who could put that right in me and has the power to put in me a healthy baby. So why didn't he stop this from happening. So you see, I don't think faith in God makes this easier to understand.

But I do think it makes it easier to cope with.

I'll be adding this to my list of things to ask God when I get to heaven. Along with, why are some people disabled, why are some areas so poor, why are there gay people etc. There is a massive list of things that don't make sense to me on earth.

But as for coping with it, yes I think having faith in God does make it easier. I believe God loves me and wants good for me. I believe he is sad with me. Ultimately I know that life can be shockingly crap and throw some horrible stuff at you, but that one day it'll all be over and I'll be safe in heaven. And that is the only thing that gives me hope.