A month on

Now I sit here a month on, Christmas over. Now 1st January, the start of a new year.

I'm having my period. That started about 5 days after the bleeding from the operation stopped. It was heavy to start with but has almost disappeared today after only 2 days. I guess it will take a while for my body to get back to normal.

I'm still sad. So sad. But its a different sort of pain now. Not so raw. I've realised that you don't move on from the loss of a baby like you move on from other things in life. I'll never be the same again. I can never experience pregnancy for the first time again. You can't have a second first time. I can never have a first baby again. Because that was my first. I might not have met my little girl (I have a feeling it was a girl don't know why) but she was real. It wasn't just the hope and dream of my baby. My baby was real, I'm sure of it.

My heart was broken and I guess it will heal in time but it will always have a piece missing.

I'll never be the same. My baby made me a Mum. I might not have the baby here now to prove it. But I know I am a Mum inside.

Hopefully this year will bring me another one. This time one I can love and look after and touch and see. But I will never forget my first.