I never thought I'd be waiting this long. When I lost our baby so many stories came out of the wood work about how this person had only took 3 months and got pregnant again and that person got pregnant the next month. The longest I heard was 6 months and when they told me I thought that was just the longest time to wait. But its October 2012 and my last pregnancy ended prematurely on December 1st 2011. And I'm still here waiting.
After our miscarriage I was told by my sister in law the pain doesn't end till you have your baby in your arms. I don't know if thats true but I suspect it might be as it's the one thing I fantastise about. Holding my very own child. Cradling it, protecting it from any harm, smelling it, loving it. Is that weird-smelling it??! I truly cant wait.
My life feels like its made out of 2 week slots. There's my period, then 2 weeks where the excitement builds up to the magic 'ovulation' date!! Then there is a few days of hope and what ifs. Then there is 2 weeks of waiting. And thus far, this ends with a few days of that dreaded period and my emotions at rock bottom again.
Hope gets less each month. Each period brings with it more fuel to fire the thinking 'what if this never happens again. What if there is something wrong with me. What if I'm never a mother'. Each month these thoughts get harder to shake off.
Each month my relationship with my creator gets harder. I think part of this is that I subconsiously don't want to bother Him. Like if I spoke to Him about anything else it would distract Him from what I really want Him to do. Maybe if I spoke to God about something else then He'd forget. And nothing else seems that important next to the big 'thing'. And I don't want to bore Him (or myself) going back with the same thing every time. So I end up not speaking to Him. And I know there is no logic in that thinking. Its also a protection thing I think. Don't put hope in God providing this 'thing' incase this 'thing' is not on his agenda and never comes. Don't raise your hopes to have them shattered. I've seen people live like this in the past. Never getting excited about anything, not looking forward to anything-just incase. So they don't get their heart broken. And I've always thought what a stupid and sad way to live. So why am I living like that?
I don't blame God for what happened anymore. I don't understand why some of us loose babies. Be it at 12 weeks or 40. Why can't it be full proof when that egg is fertalised. I dunno. But over time I've learnt that to judge God does no one any good. I cannot judge Him. I can never know answers. I know I have to trust His ways are bigger. And I have to trust that He loves me. This is all I have and all I know.
But I still struggle with my relationship with Him in other ways. He has been so kind and patient and gentle this past year. Amazingly so. And I feel I have grown so so much and matured a mad amount in the past year.
I feel my faith is deeper and my eyes are wider.
But I can't loosen my grip on my world enough to let God in control of it again.
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial because when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him. James 1:12
God, I do love you. I'm sorry I don't speak with you like I used to. I'm sorry we don't hang out as much. I'm sorry I've taken back parts of me. I know you're good and I don't blame you for my pain. But I am scared of my future. I'm scared you may not want children for me as its taking so long. And I'm scared what that means for us. But I know this is part of being yours. I gave you my life 12 years ago and I stick by my choice. Whatever my future holds I want what you have for me.
Please Lord, I ask for new life, a child to love and look after. You know this. But I want first to be your child again. Give me peace. Teach me again how to give it all back to you. How to be a daughter.
Thank you so much for your unbelievable kindness and patience with me. You are truly LOVE. Love I cannot understand. I am in no better place than when I am with you. Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere. Use me for your glory here on earth. I am yours. Amen.