Worth the risk

Feeling sad today. 6 weeks and 2 days since we found out we lost our precious little baby. Life has moved on, its a new year. But my heart still hurts.

Alot of the time I'm ok. But it seems like every day I hear of another friend who is pregnant, another scan picture replaces their face on facebook. I am happy for them, but a little bit in me cuts every time I see or hear it.

I'm still fat. I feel huge. I still have a chin full of spots. They are even on my scalp.

(As you can see, I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself tonight).

Me and my hubby have started trying again. This week is 'the week'. I'd be over the moon if we were pregnant. But in no way will it make up for what we've lost. I lost a baby. Not the hope of one. I'll never get that baby back. But my heart still aches to be a Mum. So we try again. Not to replace our first but to make a second.

There is that lingering feeling of 'what if we don't get pregnant again'. Then there is that lingering feeling of 'what if we do and we loose it again'. What if in 2 weeks time my period doesn't happen, I'm pregnant and in March I go to another scan and see them measuring a big black hole.

But its like love, or romance should I say. We date and we get hurt and the break up is horrendous. But we do it again and again because when it finally works out its worth the risk.